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2/17/2018

Today my hair is soft. I feel loved. It’s a weird feeling to feel so loved in so many ways. I can’t make it out but it’s a new and strange feeling. Never thought I would feel this good about things in my life that have been so crazy and self hating. It’s hard to concentrate with watching twin peaks. It’s hard to not think about all the people in my life that have done me good deeds and made my life all the more wonderful for it. I wonder how i can repay them.

I have no idea. The thing that i can give to people to repay them is my time and attention. But I also cannot give them too much. Mostly because if I do and they fall for me I would just be hurting them and myself and also my relationship. I don’t want to do any of that.

I am enjoying typing while watching twin peaks though. It’s nice to not look at the keyboard and assume that I know what I’m typing and not have to make sure that i am spelling everything right. Guess thats one reason i should appreciate keyboard class.

I don’t know what I’ll tell my aunt tomorrow. Probably just that I got food poisoning. Tell her I had the shits and the vomits and claim it wasn’t a hang over and just…. just… lie my ass off.

Tomorrow can’t come late enough. I just want to enjoy these moments and not worry about it. Not worry about sleep either though. It would be nice to feel secure in my job. I dont hate it it just stresses me out enough that i feel it would be impossible to succeed in the long run. Plus it is REALLY not my field. But i don’t know where else to go. there are infinite jobs i could be doing. even ones that pay better and require less physically. but really if i did any of those jobs I might not be able to live my life the way i want to. taking vacations and days off as i want because of my aunt and her right hand person being so nice. *sigh* i’m not sure what to do with my life i have no true goal. Nothing that I feel i can do on my own. Nothing I feel i can do with others that aren’t nearly impossible. Then again maybe now is my time. Maybe now is exactly where i need to be.

I’m rambling. but thats ok i need to get all this out of my head anyways.

 

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Some More Nothing

So this is just an update on my life.

I have 5 siblings. 3half and 2 whole. I don’t know my half siblings well. Barely can even talk to them it’s so awkward.

I love my sis. T. And I dislike to hate my brother S. I love him because he is my brother but I hate him for who he is. Ya know?

My sis doesn’t live in the area anymore. I get to talk to her mostly when we both play LoL together.

I drive my brother around because he lost his license a decade ago. He has 2 kids. a boy (older) and a girl (younger).

I take them to school sometimes. Or home. It happens.

I have a mom who i love dearly but gets on my nerves sometimes.

I have no father. I knew him once but he was abusive so he is disowned by me. He doesn’t exist.

I have 4 cats and 1 dog i look after sometimes. Also a bird I don’t fancy but don’t dislike.

Otherwise I live with my gentleman. D. He is the sweetest most forgiving and wonderful man I’ve ever met and I love him dearly.

I’ve been abused and assaulted in my life, both as a child and as an adult respectively.

So I take rape and abuse very seriously.

I have a tumblr, a fb and a blog now.

I have games, i’m a casual gamer mostly. I love a few in particular cause they are great. Like BoF3 and LoD.

Likely this will become my diary type thing.

Not sure what else to write about so I’ll leave this here.

EverythingOfNothing

So I’m honestly starting a blog right now because my friend did so recently. Also I found out it is free so all the more reason to do so.

I’ll be writing about my past. My present and my future. And likely a lot of the things that piss me off.

To start it off. I’m living in an apartment with my boyfriend. I call him my gentleman though. He is not a boy or a friend. He is a gentleman though.

I keep washing his wallet, he keeps forgiving me. I’m glad we don’t live in a age where it would be common for him to have pictures in his wallet. I’d feel awful if I ever destroyed anything important to him.

He uses an old moderola flip phone. Those kinds that you can throw against the wall and it’ll be just fine. I say that because I used to have a phone like that. And that is exactly what I used to do with it. If a friend pissed me off and was like ‘what? what? what you gonna do about it?” I’d throw my flip phone at them. Usually they dodged and it hit the wall. They assumed that it would be broke after I did that. But it just had a new scratch or dent in it.

I still like it better then the new phones for the fact that it was so sturdy. But not better for the fact that, well, new phones are better.

Anyways, I found him. The perfect man. So far as I can tell. And at least perfect for me. he isnt really perfect. he has his faults. but.. he is the best man i have ever met. And I’m more then happy with him. But I honestly always worry. Like, what if he is cheating on me type stuff. Which a large part of me is damn sure he isn’t. but there is that tiny whispering voice that says ‘he might not always be worthy of your trust.’ ya know? So I worry. Usually the closer I get to my time of the month the worse it gets. Go figure. So if you read stuff like this on here, just ignore it. It always is a passing fear.

He bought me a new computer. It’s better then his acutally. which isn’t hard cause his is old. BUT it’s really still a wonderful and thoughtful gift. He really does make me happy. And not because he bought me a computer.

I have 4 cats. Drake owns 2 of them with me. Loki and Mordi. I also have Angel and Kitten at my moms house. Couldn’t move them, 1 is antisocial and the other is outdoors. So yeah.

I love them all dearly. And you’ll hear about all of them and my family.